In my previous post I had admitted to myself, that I knew I was simply not good enough.
Well, I have since returned from a one week long teacher training which consisted of lots of yoga, meditation and self-inquiry (read: lots of sadness and anger and frustration and disbelief). But I needed it. Even now, I still need it. And yes, it confirmed what I knew deep down -- My teacher said that we all have this TRUTH that's in the background of our minds all the time. We may not consciously know it's there, but it is there. And everything we do, every action we take, every thought we have is a manifestation of that TRUTH, or it is to conceal and deny that TRUTH. For example, if your TRUTH is "I am alone." -- you will do everything you can to make sure you're not alone. Yet, when you do become alone, you would think to yourself, I knew it, I am definitely always going to be alone.
So what was my TRUTH? At the time of the training, the TRUTH I dug in was "I am unworthy," and "I am not good enough". And that is true. That is my own TRUTH. I am unworthy, and so I run away from compliments, I ask instead, for ways I can improve, please tell me what I did badly at, please tell me why I sucked. I can't deal with compliments, - in fact, I cry whenever my bosses or anyone else used to compliment me, because I am unworthy of compliments -- and that is because I am never ever good enough. I am a failure. "See? I knew you wouldn't do well anyway. Why try so hard? Just go for your 80%, anyway you're going to fail."
And that was how my life has always been defined.
Don't go all out, Leandra. Leave room for some error or slack. Anyway, you're going to fail. Anyway you're never going to be good enough.
So what happens now that I know?
Nothing. I might still keep doing things the same way... But like what my Teacher says, You're not hiding it anymore. There is a Power in saying things aloud, or sharing these secrets with others. There is a healing that takes place when you pick out all these hurtful, self-inflicting thoughts and get them out of the way. When you take them out in the open, they lose their Power over you and YOU get to reclaim back your own Power.
Am I hiding anymore?
No. I finally feel light. I feel like I can finally stop holding my breath.