Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sometimes Life Gives You Everything Just So It Can Take It Away Again
Hopelessness is not so elusive after all.
Someday I will look back and regret it, but I would rather be hated for facing the truth, than loved for my lies.
But I guess you're right. A leopard never changes its spots.... once a cheater, always a fucking cheater.
``larcenciel
Music: We Found Love - Christina Grimmie cover
Mood: Sorry
1:10 AM
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Tiredness
Sometimes I want to just disappear from this place, disappear like poof, woof, toof gone, gone, gone. I want to run away and be alone, isolated from everyone and this place and all the other expectations I've placed on myself and be free of the disappointment and sadness and heartbreak I have caused and will cause. But that's not the right thing to do, that's selfish, cruel and cowardly... All that I know... I know it too well...
Everyday I stand up against labels and stereotypes and boxes and kid myself that I am different and such a courageous soul, but what am I doing? Just cramming myself in, anyway.
I really need to sort this out myself, or - and you're absolutely right - I am just gonna screw it all up again and again and again.
``larcenciel
Music: Unloved - Bell remake
Mood: Sick
4:27 PM
Thursday, November 24, 2011
November 24th
Where you used to be there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I'm so sorry.
``larcenciel
Music: Don't Stop Believing - Sam Tsui cover
Mood: Ashamed
8:03 PM
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
When Your Little Piece of Heaven Turns to Dark
So Thursday begins the final showdown of university life; examinations. Schedule is not that bad, I start on Thursday with Pol Ec, Saturday with Biotech and Tuesday with Finance. I'm following my study plan pretty closely - although would have been more ideal if I had started earlier, but hey, isn't that what ALWAYS happens?
Soon this phase will be over and so will college life, and I'll begin yet another chapter... My first foray into the working world... That is, provided I can even get a job in the first place with my not-so-shiny-credentials and my less-than-ideal-GPA and my so-so-records. Ah, I need to buck up.
But first, I need to have a dream to work towards, to be motivated towards... Dream, dream, dream. You are way too elusive.
* * *
I know there's something in the wake of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yeah
You've been in love but that love falls apart
And your little piece of Heaven turns to dark
Listen to your heart,
There's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why
But listen to your heart, before you say goodbye.
``larcenciel
Music: Listen To Your Heart - D.H.T (Vocal remix)
Mood: Hardworking
10:04 PM
Sunday, November 13, 2011
I'll Take 90's Music Anytime
I spent the whole day in today by myself, drifting in and out of sleep, reading, bumming around... And oh, what a perfect time to listen to 911.
Don't you know I'll do anything for you?
I'd steal the stars out from the sky above you,
I would tame a wild hurricane wind
If you take this heart of mine.
Give me a signal please give me a sign
C'mon baby don't waste no more precious time
In the midnight moonlight shine,
Don't hold back tonight,
Give me the green light.
Don't make me wait, one more day.
Don't you forsake, this love so great.
Don't you know I'll walk to Heaven's gate,
Just to hear you say I love you...
Just to hear you say,
I love you.
``larcenciel
Music: Don't Make Me Wait - 911
Mood: Nostalgic
9:31 PM
Thursday, November 03, 2011
When You Can't Touch The Outside World, The Outside World Will Still Hit You
David Vetter was a sufferer of the rare genetic disease, SCID, which renders your immune system ineffective due to a defect in the ADA gene that inactivates the cells that help produce antibodies and fight the bad stuff. Since he was born, David lived in a sterilized bubble and everything he was in contact with had been sterilized before - from clothes to toys to books to furniture and even food. He was, quite literally, the bubble boy. He could only touch and kiss his mother through the bubble, but his family tried to make life as normal for him as possible, even teaching him to read and write and do Math. Subsequently NASA even made an spacesuit so that he could walk outside his bubble and "experience the world". Later when he was 12, after a bone marrow transplant from his sister, he died from a dormant virus that was in her bone marrow. An autopsy revealed that it had produced hundreds of cancerous tumors.
His parents were supportive and tried to "give him as normal a life as possible", right? Well, the doctors and scientists did all they could, right? At least he left behind a legacy of breakthrough research on SCID treatment, right?
Dead wrong. His parents, before having David, already had a son that suffered from SCID and who died at 7 months. This means they were fully AWARE that they were both carriers of this genetic disease and that there was a 50% chance of their next child getting it. But NO, as all parents are only interested in - what was that again - having another "miracle of a baby" and a "child whom we could love and cherish" and whatever nonsense dramatic crap you can think of. This was further "supported" by doctors and scientists who convinced the parents that a bone marrow transplant could be done and the bubble idea would work.
So the parents selfishly went ahead and conceived another child. He was to be David, the maligned, unfortunate child who had to be born into this world under such myopic self-absorbed and cruel consequence. And this would only be the start of his torment, from age 4 he started showing signs of his loathe for the bubble. He knew he couldn't go outside because his body couldn't protect him and he accepted it. On the outside he smiled and embraced visitors (the Queen of England and other VIPs that came to view David like he was a zoo exhibit) but his psyche couldn't keep up and it faltered. At first he expressed his unhappiness by smearing his excretion on the walls of the bubble, then he started writing about his loneliness, his angst and soon he was showing signs of depression and - apparently, as diagnosed by his pyschologist, borderline personality disorder.
He was dying to go out, and if he ever went out he would, quite literally, die. But he was no different from a walking corpse in his bubble, regularly undergoing tests and studies to fulfill the world's desire for "modern and scientific advancement". When finally, doctors realized the bubble "wasn't such a good idea" and that a treatment was unlikely to be discovered anytime soon, they decided to take a gamble and do the bone marrow transplant with an incompatible person. What's new right? Gambling with David's life? From the moment he was conceived and born his whole life was a gamble. It wasn't even a touching or heart-warming or nice kind of gamble. It was a seriously messed up, self-centered and cruel gamble.
So David acquired an undetected virus in his sister's bone marrow, and he died barely two weeks after the transplant with hundreds of tumors infesting inside him. His parents went on to do "exclusive" interviews and write books and articles on this "life-changing and beautiful experience" while his doctors and scientists went on to bask in the glory of treatment advancement studies and proclaim that "David provided the singular, most important string of DNA information about SCID" which - apparently - shed more light on cancer treatments and other genetic diseases.
It is all very well and dandy that a human subject be used to advance the medical and biotech industry, sure. I can't deny that probably hundreds and thousands of lives have been saved because of David (And I seriously hope that is true) and it is superb news for mankind. But these kind of cases always make me want to cry, make me want to turn back time, run to his stupid parents and shake their brains out of their loins (cos that's where it seemed their logic was) and yell at the doctors and scientists who keep testing and testing on David to stop, then run to David and put my hands through the gloves and embrace him and ask him if he wants to see the outside world and touch it and steal him away and bring him there, and then ask him if living in a bubble is what he wants or would he want to see a different kind of paradise...
But no, for as long as we're around, we will always keep doing such things for - what's that again - ah, scientific breakthroughs, medical advancement and of course, for the good of mankind. After all, what is one mere child's life, compared to prolonging the lives of peop... no, the lives of bloody rich, self-obsessed arses who are frightened to death by the very thought of, well, death.
``larcenciel
Music: Use Somebody - Paramore cover
Mood: Indignant
6:02 PM