It is the painful feeling of humiliation caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.
I am ashamed that I still eat some meat.
I am ashamed that I dine with people who eat meat.
I am ashamed that I do not actively stop others from eat irresponsible and unethical "delicacies".
I am ashamed that I can live in the comforts of my own lovely home, when there are hundreds and thousands of homeless people.
I am ashamed that I can choose to fly overseas for a holiday anytime, when I know how much flying contributes to global warming.
I am ashamed that I do not have the courage to chide someone for being rude, uncivil or disrespectful.
I am ashamed that I am not brave enough to stop lying and come out to everyone.
I am ashamed that I allow myself to be pushed around in a system I so desperately detest and disrespect.
I am ashamed that I can sleep easy at night and know that I'll wake up to see another day, when there are people out there placed on death rows in the name of my country's justice, in the name of so-called "good".
I am ashamed to be part of a society that willingly falls back on status quo because of fear of losing material well-being when there are clear problems in the system.
I am ashamed to be part of a race that prides its rationality and intelligence, and yet demonstrates the most irrational and unintelligible cruelties on both fellow and other species.
I am ashamed.
I am ashamed to be Singaporean.
I am ashamed to be human.
I am ashamed to be alive.
How do I reconcile all these things that I know is wrong and yet still a part of me, somehow? How do I allow myself to continue to live like this? There are only so many things I can stop doing for now. But times like these I really can't help but think that everything would be so much better if I could just cease existing. It might not solve anything, but at the very least, I will no longer be part of the problem.
All these matter to me. But... some things just can't be saved anymore.
``larcenciel
Music: Who You Are - Jessie J Mood: Disheartened
1:01 AM
Friday, April 22, 2011
Palatably Picturesque
Today's post will be inconsistent, incoherent and sometimes an idiotic pomposity.
1. Defying the human condition of adhering to social norms and gender expectations. Outperforming one's so-called expected parental gender role shows something greater than the usual rhetoric.
Does my father take me out shopping? Not excitedly, but not begrudgingly either. His spot's reserved.
2. Ironically, the utterly unselective omnivore - "I'm easy, I'll eat anything" - can appear more socially sensitive than the individual who tries to eat in a way that is more responsible and ethical. Funny, isn't it?
No. It isn't.
I recently picked up Eating Animals by Jonathan Foer, a brilliantly written book that delves into the darkest corners of our insane eating habits. As a heads-up, this book will make you feel like the shittiest shithead the next time you sit in front of a meat spread. Don't, if you can't handle the irreconcilability of it.
We need to find new ways to talk about eating animals - the cruelty, inhumanity and the very real threat of it all - we all know that animal agriculture is the biggest contributor to global warming, factory farmed meat is increasingly unhealthy for us and destroys the ecosystem but we ignore all of it to satisfy a mindless, sentimental craving.
"If nothing matters, there's nothing to save."
This world matters to me. Does it matter to you?
3. If only real life could be as accepting as profiles on social media networks, life would be less bothersome for me...
4. Next week we will see Nomination Day, then 9 days of hardcore campaigning for Singapore GE 2011. This GE has definitely engaged many more people than 6 years ago as we see more active responsible citizen journalism (read: NOT Stomp) and political participation. This may necessarily be a good or bad thing. One thing for sure, it polarizes. And come 7th May, we will see if this polarization will indeed bring about the change we desperately need - or the status quo we all fall back to because of our irrational need for myopic comfort.
``larcenciel
Music: Good Girl, Bad Girl - Miss A Mood: Confused
2:55 PM
Sunday, April 10, 2011
The Beasts We Scorn as Soulless, But the Real Soulless is Man
I came across a video exposing the cruelty of Foie Gras production in Canada. For the record, Foie Gras is made of duck or goose liver that's been "specially" fattened by force-feeding. In fact, the more fattened and diseased the liver is - the better it supposedly tastes. So what's the science behind it? Simply put, the geese and ducks are migratory birds, so their livers have the capacity to store much more fats in preparation for migration. When they are continuously force-fed, they'd store it all up in their livers and a buttery consistency is produced, making their livers 6 to 10 times the ordinary size and thus providing the much sought-after, cruel delicacy of "Foie Gras".
As usual, I couldn't stand to watch the full thing. Just 2 minutes into the video and my heart already shattered. And now, researching on it just to write that description up there brings tears to my eyes and a gag reflex. How do people bear to eat it, even after knowing how Foie Gras is produced? It's disgusting, really. Unfortunately, I have had Foie Gras on my plate before; during the company gala dinner last December. I had a taste of it and realized what it was - and what little appreciation I had for it turned into immediate distaste and abhorrence, and I failed to take another bite or even bear to look at it.
Our sadistic taste for such savage cuisine is truly monstrous. In the past, when humans had yet to discover barbaric mass production techniques, foie gras was produced almost in one's own backyard, making it a rare, precious indulgence. Today, billions of ducks and geese are bred in preposterous conditions subjected to the most inhumane treatment - and people absolutely love it. It matters not where the food comes from, as long as it fulfills their valuable taste buds and penchant for exotic foods.
Animal cruelty is rampant in every aspect of our lives and it might be somewhat true that animals could be "meant to be eaten by humans" - as many people so lovingly put it. But this sort of devious cruelty should not be tolerated. As with Shark's Fin and many other "delicacies", there should not be a mass production or propagation or support of such foods. There is no "cultural values" in such cuisines to preserve, unless of course, being brutish and murderous is one of our values... And judging from the way things are floating, it's highly likely.
Absolutely sickening.
``larcenciel
Music: Hold It Against Me - Sam Tsui cover Mood: Nauseating
6:12 PM
Friday, April 08, 2011
Friday is Calling
Where I am - it's cold. The concrete floor is as hard as it is unfeeling. I know, because I can feel it with every inch of my bare skin. I lay on the ground, my arms folded in front of my chest and I look up at the ceiling. It's not that high but I still can't reach it. And why would I want to touch it? It would feel just as hard as the floor. I'm used to this life, anyway. Not seeing anything, not doing anything, not caring about anything. Once in a while a guard would walk by and rap on the wall to check on me, but other than my one hour a day routine "exercise" in another concrete room, I don't do anything else. I unfold my hands and fold them again, my eyes scanning the space. An overused basin sits next to my bed, and my bed sits next to the door that I can never walk out of.
* * *
Three years ago, a 19-year-old Malaysian was found bringing 47 grams of heroin into Singapore. Under Singapore's watchful and meticulous police force, he was arrested and sentenced to death immediately. A human rights lawyer took over the case a year ago. He succeeded in obtaining his stay of execution numerous times. But on 4th April 2011, the Court of Appeal dismissed the appeal against the mandatory death sentence.
* * *
Today, I am 22 years old. This has been my home for the past three years. I heard the court decision a few days ago. The judge's words still ring painfully loud in my ears. Those eyes that looked right through me as the decision was announced - they reminded me of the concrete ceiling in my room. I looked over at my lawyer - but he couldn't look at me. I don't know why. I just wanted to thank him. I wanted to thank the person who stood up there and defended me. I am not that educated, so I don't even understand half of what he was arguing about. But I can recognize a hero when I see one.
Today, it is Friday. I've heard things from other inmates. They say "Friday at dawn" - that's when hangings take place. They've already called for me to get my photos taken. I know they do that just before it's your turn. So from today, I just need to wait for them to call me... Wait for them to pass their judgment on me.
And when the time comes, I can finally walk out of this door forever.
* * *
I write this - not as a critique or protest against MDP, although that is my exact sentiment - as a solemn and heartfelt tribute to the pain, confusion and hurt Yong Vui Kong, 22, Malaysian, on death roll for drug trafficking, could have gone through. It is based on a true case - but his thoughts are my creation. For me to sit in the comforts of my own home, grumbling about the trivial things in life and just being ignorant - that disgusts me. How do I sleep at night, knowing another person is going to be killed by my own government, who supposedly represents the People? Two wrongs do not make a right.
Maybe today, Vui Kong is spared. But for the next Friday and the Friday after the next and so on, he might not. Till then, he will be left waiting. Waiting for the so-called hand of justice to deal him his punishment and what follows after that?
Another life lost - that is all.
``larcenciel
Music: Daybreak's Bell - L'Arc~en~Ciel Mood: Heartbroken
3:43 PM
If They Laugh At You, I'll Shut Them Up
I can be anything that you want me to be; A holy cross or some sympathy That reminds you not to bleed.
They found the note down in your car You climbed up here to fall apart, To fall apart.
Hold your head high, don't look down I'm by your side and I won't back down You wanted a hero tonight.
Well, I'm not made of steel I'm not made of steel, But your secret's safe with me.
``larcenciel
Music: Made of Steel - Our Lady Peace Mood: Sianz
12:15 AM
Monday, April 04, 2011
I Don't Want To Realize That It Was Only Just A Dream
Since Azeroth was experiencing red latency tonight and I couldn't figure out how to use the giant mount, I logged off Shaylle and went on Facebook to look through my photos instead. Naturally, I'd come to the exchange photos - all those memories of United States of Awesomeness and beautiful Canada; the great friends I've made and the new things I've seen and experienced... I'm never gonna get tired of seeing them over and over again, and I'm never gonna get tired of reminiscing the good times over and over again.
What I'll get tired of, however, is hearing myself - think - not even say aloud, I wish I could turn back time so that everything could be more than just a dream. But at times like these, wishing just isn't enough...
This week I'm gonna be utterly swarmed. NPD final assignment due and a big presentation tomorrow. After that, time to mug my ass off for Labor and EDA. I need all the luck and motivation and Koi I can get..! Oh, and some wishing would do good too... if it'll work.
``larcenciel
Music: Just A Dream - Sam Tsui & Christina Grimmie (cover) Mood: Pitiful