They found an empty bottle on the window sill The day her mother lost her sleeping pills She was sick and tired of being invisible Hard to see in color when you're miserable
Veronica, Saint Veronica You can't leave this world behind So be strong enough, to hold on to us We're still right here by your side
No one ever thought that she was capable And the damage done is irreversible Now she clings to life inside a hospital Like she's trapped inside a frozen waterfall
Always said her life was never meant to be Stuck here living someone else's dream Well beyond your window there is so much more Even every prison has an open door
Veronica, Saint Veronica You can't leave this world behind So be strong enough, to hold on to us It's just not your time to die
And while the angels sleep all of the devils are awake Waiting to steal your love right outside of heaven's gate And all the sacred hearts get numb of feeling from the pain Cause when the drugs don't work you're gonna curse his holy name
Dear God, Yeah God, Yeah Dear God, Yeah
It's just not your time to die
``larcenciel
Music: St Veronica - Billy Talent Mood: Sadistic
4:44 PM
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Perhaps You Lie in My Soulmate Category
I'm bored... Exams during exchange are so damned sianifying. Even more than in Singapore. Anyway, exams also means that exchange is coming to an end. Overall it was a pretty awesome experience, but there are some things I regret a lot. Like:
1. Bringing my Russian hat that I only wore once 2. Not bringing more T-shirts and 1 pair of berms 3. Not bringing my spring scarf, and bringing so many winter scarves 4. Not having a backpack here 5. Not making more Canadian friends 6. Not taking one more Arts module to map back 7. Not taking more random photos of everyday exchange life 8. Not attending much of Queen's Pride nor being more involved with the WMNS department 9. .... and the list goes on....
And so I realise that it's better to do something, anything, and not be afraid to regret that you have done it, because the things that I have regretted the most are almost always the things that I never did.
``larcenciel
Music: So Beautiful - Darren Hayes Mood: Regretful
4:22 PM
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Oh, No
I just read a yaoi, 35 Degrees of Love, http://www.mangafox.com/manga/35_do_no_ren_ai_netsu/ It was cute, sweet, smexy, touching and kind of heartbreaking too. So, Honda, our hero, is a real softie. He's a pretty 20-something y.o. pharmacist who has been working his butt off real hard cos his colleague, fellow doctor, was hospitalised due to a car accident. But he doesn't mind.... Cos he's completely in love with his colleague. Problem is it's been pretty much one-sided all these years. And it doesn't help that his colleague is straight and married.
Enter Sasashi, handsome, suave and super cool with a dangerous aura around him. By some coincidence, Honda finds out that he's a doctor who was currently unemployed and so hires him as a temporary replacement for his loverboi. But then he discovers some ugly truths about Sasashi, like how he apparently embezzled money from his previous workplace, and about his arrogant and mean attitude towards co-workers and that he was gay. But Honda decides to give him a chance, and continues to let Sasashi work. The first few days are kinda painful for Honda, Sasashi didn't seem like a very people-friendly person, he smoked and he was cold to everyone. But at least he did his job well, and even corrected Honda when he made mistakes. They eventually get along and it's obvious Sasashi is attracted to Honda.
Meanwhile, Honda visits loverboi in the hospital regularly. He sees loverboi's wife visit him as well and he feels jealous. Little did he know that his wife was actually delivering the divorce papers and that they were separating. Loverboi says something to Honda about how a woman's intuition was always right because one day, his wife said, You love someone else, don't you? Honda doesn't want to try to interpret it because he is afraid of expectations, but then loverboi says, That someone else is you, Honda, and he cannot believe his ears. They kiss, but are rudely interrupted by a nurse. Then who should appear but Sasashi, who apparently followed Honda to the hospital after work just to "see how (loverboi) looks like".
Never a yaoi without some obligatory smex right? Sasashi pushes Honda into an empty room on their way out of the hospital. He makes Honda feel guilty about loverboi's confession and says that with loverboi in hospital like that there was no way he'll satisfy him, and proceeds to have his way with Honda. He finally says, If you feel like you need some relief, I can help you. And so begins their smexy tryst.
So loverboi is discharged and he's seeing Honda but Honda finds him acting weirdly, especially infront of other people. It was as if he was scared that someone else would see that the both of them had kissed, or were gays. This kind of behavior continues and Honda starts feeling insecure. Sasashi reminds him that there was no way a straight man who had lived 30 over years of normal life, would ever give up everything to be with him. "Don't do it, Honda. He will never change for you."
And everything else is history. I liked that Honda ended up with Sasashi, in part because Honda was such a pretty uke and Sasashi such a suave seme, but also because it's something that rings true for all homosexual relationships. Which gay would ever go out with a straight man? What were the odds of a successful relationship between someone who has been so stuck and sheltered in the hetereonormative and someone who has been twisted and hurt in the homosexual world? I hope that Honda really did develop feelings for Sasashi, but what if he didn't? What if it was because he knew that his love for loverboi was never going to go anywhere, because loverboi was just too much of a coward to pursue what both of them really desired and wanted from the bottom of their very hearts? What if Honda decided that it was just much safer and easier to choose someone who had already identified as gay, to cut the heartache and so loverboi wouldn't feel so insecure nor afraid anymore? What if it was just a convenient way of getting out of his situation, just a cop-out?
That made me think of my first love. It's still kind of painful... I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her. Sometimes when I think of her, I'd feel so angry and mad, but underneath all that anger is a bigger and duller ache. At that time I wanted so much for us to work out and it hurt waking up everyday knowing that she would go running to some guy anytime. Maybe now I feel scared thinking about her, because if I asked myself the same question, Was it just a cop-out? What would my answer be?
But when I look at my life now, I realise there is no way, absolutely no way at all, that I can go on living without my Sasashi.
I love you, wj. And I'll always love you. So don't ever feel insecure anytime, because I am never letting you go. A lesbian's just gotta learn it the hard way sometimes.
``larcenciel
Music: Never Let You Go - Justin Bieber Mood: Loving
12:59 PM
Sunday, April 04, 2010
But You Just Pointed to All of Me
I watched How to Train Your Dragon in 3D today. Superb show... It was wacky, heartwarming and cute in all the right places. It's the type of movie you go in, expecting an "Awww" reaction at the end, and it delivers - with plenty of tugs at your heartstrings - that is, if u had a conscience. So Hiccup isn't the best viking in his land and he doesn't fit in, big deal, it's always the people who are different that make all the difference. Of course, the price is steep - ridiculed by (stupid) society, being the lonely outcast, desperate and eventually disowned. But eventually Hiccup gets his people to see through his eyes, and he teaches them that everything they thought they knew about dragons were completely wrong. Hiccup befriends and takes care of a dragon he caught - none other than the very rare, very intelligent Night Fury, and he is torn between being with his dragon friend - who has, really, been the only friend to him throughout the entire show - and his loyalties to his viking people. And it kinda sucks that his daddy is the viking chief. But it's a Dreamworks show, so things will turn out nice and dandy eventually. People finally understood his views and reconciled with the "bad" dragons, and poof! everything ended happily ever after, with the vikings still in control of the dragons - this time as pets.
Nevertheless, How to Train Your Dragon is still a great show that teaches kids great stuff (save for the Heteronormative stuff, oh and the lack of females and stereotypes! But that's another story...) It tells kids that it's OKAY to be different, and no matter how different you are, it's YOUR life that you're living, so never live it for someone else, trying to be someone you know you are not. You'll just end up hurting the people you love and most of all, yourself. And it teaches kids that animals have feelings too - they're just as frightened and threatened as anyone or anything else in face of adversity - and treating them with respect and caring for them, exactly as what Hiccup did, is always the right thing to do.
Hiccup chose the right thing to do, even if no one was doing it or if no one supported him. He saw himself in Night Fury, and indeed, he brought a different kind of fury into the night by redefining a social norm and belief so falsely rooted that it would have eventually destroyed his people; and with that daybreak followed.
``larcenciel
Music: Right Round - Flo Rida feat Ke$ha Mood: Hungry