Tuesday, August 26, 2008
No One Knows What It's Like Until It's Over
So I think you're really brave to do it. Brave. Super brave. Dont worry about what others say because they know nothing. So what if it's Hong Kong? I think it's awesome. This is your dream, this is what you've been wanting to do since forever. That's fantastic enough.
``larcenciel
Music: With You - Chris Brown
Mood: Proud
12:42 AM
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I'm At the Wheel But I'm Not Driving
It's dark. It's dark down here, where I am. Where am I? What is this I'm feeling? Have I lost my mind? My consciousness? It's worst when I'm alone. I always thought emo lit was dramatic and exaggerated, but now I'm in it. I really feel like an empty shell - clean and solid on the outside, but completely void on the inside. I'm walking, I'm talking, I'm laughing and I'm breathing, but I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what's really going on around me, behind me and most of all, inside me. I feel like someone injected the wrong medicine in me, and it's killing me. I feel my insides churning, and something is gnawing away at me and slowly, slowly and painfully but surely, I'm disappearing.
Yet everyday I wake up and still see myself here. Who, the fuck, is this in my shell?
I don't know the answers. I wish I knew. Then I wouldn't have to keep waiting and waiting in this hell.
``larcenciel
Music: Forever - Chris Brown
Mood: Depressed
2:32 AM
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Hot Fuss
Damn I had one hell of a pissy evening. On my way home after shiong Econs day (read: Macro & Econometrics) I was annoyed, irritated and pissed at a series of stupid incidents.
First, I got PUSHED into the MRT pole and squashed into an awkward position when I got on the train.
Secondly, Immature Schoolboy behind me was comparing his Math grades with his schoolgirl friend - who, by the way, did waaay worse than him. (I knew cos he said her marks so loudly)
Then, Gross Nerd Guy was grabbing onto the pole next to me so tightly and he kept swinging so close to me. Not only that, he was practically ENVELOPING the poor innocent girl infront of him (they dont know each other) Pervert.
Next, Immature Schoolboy decided to jab my back during another one of his stupid grade comparison conversation (it was Chinese compositions this time)
And to finish off his annoying stint, Immature Schoolboy ELBOWED his fat way to the MRT door, jabbing Yours Angrily yet again.
Hence, I rolled up my sleeves, and thrust my emo artpiece directly in his view, just to shock that immature young bugger. Congratulations boy, you've earned yourself a Bachelor of Rubbish (Annoying People) Cum Laude to boot.
And anyway, since I was feeling so grumpy, I left my arm as it was. I think some aunty saw it and she looked at me worriedly before alighting.
Meanwhile, Gross Nerd Guy was still swinging close to me, so I displayed my arm again. He got off at the next stop.
After all that grumpiness, my mom just had to call and nag at me at that time. No prizes for guessing if I was impatient with her or not.
I think I should go for anger management...especially after Econometrics...which, by the way, I DONT UNDERSTAND!!! =( Timetable is screwed up again. I dropped Ethics. Meaning I only have 3.5 mods now, Im bidding for Psych, really hope I get it. Else I really dont know what to bid for =( And my mates are considering dropping Advanced Math liao..just when I was gearing myself up for it.
Sigh. Feel so damn bloody screwed. For EVERYTHING.
``larcenciel
Music: Synthetic - Spineshank
Mood: Pissed
8:55 PM
Sunday, August 17, 2008
You're Thickening the Air I Breathe In
Life ends tonight.
Haha, not because Im gonna kill myself lah. Because school is starting tomorrow. Grr... -gloomy.
``larcenciel
Music: All Around Me - Flyleaf
Mood: Tired
5:37 PM
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
This Is My Heaven In My Hell
I havent felt so contented in a long time. I had my yummy Nasi Lemak from Opera Estate!! =D Complete with otah, cabbage (it's TO DIE FOR!) ikan bilis, egg, cucumbers and chicken. Pure bliss.
With all the emo crap that's going on right now, having that meal quietly at home means so much to me.
Back to hectic life tomorrow. Convocation is in 2 days. Imagine, I joined BE in hope that I could be doing Convoc 08. And here I am, a year later, really doing Convoc 08. I should be glad I'm fulfilling my dream, shouldnt I?
Yes, you should, she says.
``larcenciel
Music: Tragedies - Loveless OST
Mood: thoughtful
3:34 PM
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I Can't Look It's Killing Me
I just don't want to talk about what I blog... There's a reason why I blog, and not confide in people right?
Carved,
Etched into skin.
Painted,
Drawn into form.
Created,
Made into Life.
But eventually,
Crumbled into oblivion.
``larcenciel
Music: Finale - L'Arc~en~Ciel
Mood: Crazy
3:24 AM
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Out of Control
I dont know how to put this... It's not her fault. I know everything is my fault. And I'm not being some noble ass, taking all the blame. I just dont know how to manage it well. I dont ever know how to control anything in my life. I try so hard to be in control of things like, events, activities, voluntary work etc. but I know that I just want to prove that I can do things right, and, for once, not wreck everything.
I'm such a mess. I'm a total wreck. Yet I dont know how to say this... I dont want people to know... I dont want to talk about it... Im too scared, I think.
Most of all, I dont ever ever want to drag anyone else in this... And even more so, not her... I'm so so so sorry... I'm sorry for being like this. I'm sorry for not being able to handle anything right. I'm sorry for not knowing how to love so much. A friend asked me, do you love your gf as much as my ex did? That hit me. Hard. No, no...I didnt sacrifice everything, Im lying to the parents, but I dont have a "duty" to uphold, I dont have to answer to my parents for everything, I dont have to be a good role model for my sister. Yes, Im from a well-to-do family. Yes, I dont have to work for my allowance, for my school. So yes, I dont know how to love... I dont know anything, do I? Times like these I hate myself to the very core, the very essence..so much that Im willing myself to disappear, willing for the blade to dig a little deeper, to perhaps, dig a little closer to that vital spot that could help cease all this. Then perhaps, I can finally say, I know how to love because I loved so much I died for it.
``larcenciel
Music: 66 - Afghan Whigs
Mood: depressed
5:12 AM
Friday, August 08, 2008
Sick Lullabies
Seeing the pain is so much easier than feeling it inside.
``larcenciel
Music: Mr Brightside - The Killers
Mood: Stoned
12:29 AM
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Listen
It's Pride '08 again. Theme's Building Bridges. IndigNation always has such creative names, such pretty logos and slogans. And we're all hearing it, seeing it. But don't know who's really listening to it.
``larcenciel
Music: Musically Speaking, If You Know What I Mean - DJ Anon
Mood: Bored
2:08 AM
larcenciel
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