Sunday, January 29, 2012
I'm Writing This So I Remember
On Thursday I rose bright and early for the first installment of a writing workshop as part of The Circle Line Writing Project for S'pore Arts Fest. In a nutshell, 6 of us were selected to produce a publication with the guidance of 3 popular S'pore writers - all distinguished in their own right in the field of fiction, film, theatre and playwright. The first activity made us develop characters and gather material. The second focused on psychographic site description and fiction spinning from ordinary or not-so-ordinary things around place. The third made us character stalk and draw on full character stories.
It was a marvelous experience; no less because it was a >12 hour writing workshop (8am to 11pm), and because we had the privilege to be mentored by successful local writers, but also because of the other student writers - it's pretty cool, 3 of them are theatre studies students, 1 of them English lit, the other Law, and me; an Economics and Marketing joker from SMU trying her hand at writing... pffftt. They're all from NUS, and they're a really fine bunch, and just so passionate about the Arts. It is a refreshing change from the usual company at my alumni college (ha-ha, yes, almost-alumni now...) These people talk about emotions, drama, love, hate, conflict like they're really living and feeling it - the people I know have always been talking about life like they're merely observing it (and trying to profit from it). It's a world of difference; and they know that an Arts degree ain't taking them anywhere glamorous but they still did it. You really can't blame writers for romanticizing everything now, can you?
I'm terribly excited for this project... but I am also scared as hell. What if I don't write well? What if my story sucks? What if I am just not good enough? After all, I had no proper training.. God, I've never even taken Lit before! Save for secondary 2, that really doesn't count. TC told us during the debrief of the last writing activity, for a dramatic text to be compelling, you need a character that knows what he wants, and he will do anything and everything to achieve it. But when conflicts happen, and he doesn't get what he wants, your audience will feel his pain and empathize. For example, Romeo & Juliet; it is clear that they both want each other dearly, unfortunately due to their family allegiance they are unable to be together, but they do everything they can to fight for a chance. And when finally, Romeo thinks that Juliet was killed, he would sooner die than live without her and so a suicide is born out of their impossible love - the actions speak in dramatic text, not just words.
What does my character want? What does he - or she - want so badly that she will do anything to get it? And when in the end, she doesn't, it will utterly rip my reader apart, as much as it will break me when I write it?
``larcenciel
Music: I Know I Know I Know - Tegan & Sara
Mood: Scared
2:31 PM
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Maybe If I Cry
I broke down and wrote you back
Before you had the chance to forget,
Forgotten.
Yes I know the feeling,
I know you're leaving.
Calm down, I'm calling back to say
I'm capsized, erring on the edge of safe.
Nobody likes me, but
Maybe if I cry.
``larcenciel
Music: The Con - Tegan & Sara
Mood: Sad
1:39 AM
Monday, January 23, 2012
Not Another Heart In Need Of Rescue
It's the first day of the lunar new year, water dragon. I'm an earth dragon - and that spells trouble, according to my fortune teller grandaunt. This year will be a year of trials and tribulations, one that would push my tenacity and willpower to limits I never knew possible; one that would wield reason over emotions; one that would test my patience and judgment. As the earth dragon takes the centre stage amongst the zodiac in this tumultuous water dragon year, it would be thrust under immense scrutiny and unwanted limelight. There will be as many haters and liars, as there will be saviours. She cautioned me not to let emotions rule, be particularly careful when driving, take extra good care of my health and be wary of certain friends.
But if there's one important word of advice I've taken from her; Don't sweat the small stuff and have confidence in yourself. God knows, dragon year or not - my report card on self-esteem and self-love is hardly gleaming.
* * *
I don't know where I'm going
But I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
I've made up my mind,
And I ain't wasting no more time.
Though I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray you give me the strength to carry on
Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams.
And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
``larcenciel
Music: Here I Go Again - Whitesnake
Mood: Chirpy
6:23 PM
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Quote-Worthy
"A real friend is the one that walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
``larcenciel
Music: None
Mood: Moody
3:45 PM
Fine Pessimism
Actually I wouldn't mind if the world ends on 22nd Dec, 2012. I don't think I will even bother making a run for it because... there's nothing really worth living for anyway. After all, I've lived a fortunate life, had good friends, fell in love, fell out of it, saw Adam Lambert perform twice, listened to great music, read awesome books, dinged level 60 on my warlock, and soon I will achieve 100% on RB expert drums... What else could I ask for?
I guess, for the people I love to be safe from harm... That's all I could ever ask. I would give myself up in a heartbeat.
``larcenciel
Music: Lasso - Phoenix
Mood: Pessimistic
3:53 AM
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Lapses
When we talk, I need to fight this irrational urge to reach out and touch the screen. Sometimes I wish you were tangible right behind the computer screen and page full of numbers and letters and clicks. Beneath the crazy myriad of 0s and 1s and other codes that make up a chat page, how I wish they could all be stripped bare and emptied out so that your voice is not masked by anything else. But even then I know there is so much more than distance that separates us. I know you are open and it is perhaps a bulwark I put up myself, but that remains more than distance - nonetheless.
``larcenciel
Music: Toy Love Story (instrumental) - Manikako Studios
Mood: Sad
7:11 PM
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Now And Then
As the presence of those we love is as a double life, so absence, in its anxious longing and sense of vacancy, is as a foretaste of death. -Anna B Jameson
Sometimes, I miss you like hell...
``larcenciel
Music: None
Mood: Lethargic
2:15 AM
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
They Call Me Queen of Wonderland
A few days ago I picked up a fantasy, conspiracy-laden thriller on my kindle titled, Alice in Deadland. Civilization as we know it ended more than fifteen years ago, and what remains is a barren wasteland called the Deadland - named such because of a new terror for humans who have survived The Great Rising; hordes of undead Biters bloodthirsty for human flesh and rampage.
The New World Order is bitterly fractured between Humans and Biters; both seek to kill the other. The Humans have re-organized themselves in two main factions; a main group under the protection of Zeus, a military stronghold and powerful force against Biters, and splintered into various independent settlements in the Deadland.
The catch is that Zeus works for a "Central Committee", and no one really knows who they are. They are a sort of phantom government that, on the surface, very generously pumps resources and firepower into protecting their main base and people who join them. These people pay for their safety with their lives - they remain under the control of the "Central Committee" and labour in fields and mines. No one questions who and what they are working for, but one thing's for sure; even if you are safe under Zeus, a part of you is sure to die. Those that would never give up their freedom and honor, on the other hand, chose to remain in independent human settlements.
That's where our main heroine, fifteen year old Alice comes in. Alice is a petite, feisty and spirited fighter from a settlement in the Deadland, started by her father who was an ex-US Marine Chief and UN ambassador. Alice has spent her entire life post-Rising, and her education consisted of how best to use guns and knives in the ongoing war for survival against the vicious Biters, and man did she excel at it.
One day, during one of her sentry duties, she spots a Biter wearing bunny ears disappearing into a hole in the ground. Fueled by her curiosity and thirst to search for fabled underground Biter bases that would provide important information, Alice follows it and what she discovers propels her into an action-packed adventure that changes her life and that of all humans in Deadland forever. She learns of the terrible conspiracy behind the ruin of humanity, the truth behind the origins of the Biters and the prophecy the mysterious Biter Queen believes Alice is destined to fulfill.
There is a whole lot of gripping action and fight scenes that make this read such a page turner. Dhar does a magnificent job of painting these details, and he is a master of conspiracy. The plot itself is juicy, riveting and intricate. Drawing from what we might find very familiar incidents such as Wall Street Occupation (poor protesting against the elite rich), nuclear ambitions of certain nations today, China's ascent, US's descent, crumbling world economies and the rise of biotech and humans' increasing desire to play God extending beyond laboratories.... The story is so fascinating, precisely because of the credence of the motivations behind the conspirators, and the heartbreaking realization that these motivations really exist today.
You might have guessed, the Great Rising was human's making. This is not really a surprise, after all, destruction is one thing humans cannot get enough of. In a nutshell, the US had concocted a virus that could turn people berserk and savage creatures so that when infected, they would turn against themselves and fight amongst themselves. This was intended for "enemy use". China got wind of such technology and sabotaged the lab, the remaining toxic chemicals infected the researchers and workers there. In retaliation, US dropped the virus on a Mongolian village and thousands fell. From there, tens of thousands got infected. Air travel made it worse. Information about the virus and its quick transferability (a bite from a Biter is all it takes to turn a human into one) was withheld and millions became infected. At this point governments disbanded and the world broke into chaos, a central committee was formed and "rose to the occasion", they ordered vast areas of lands to be nuclear-ed. Millions and millions died. The rest turned into Biters.
Dr Protima, one of the head researchers involved in the project learnt of US's intention to unleash the virus on Mongolia and protested. She left soon after and tried to inform people about the conspiracy, but she was hunted down as a traitor. She went into hiding in sewers and underground bomb shelters but was bitten numerous times. However, she retained her thinking faculties because she had 3 doses of the vaccine, obtained from the research labs. Enraged over what had happened and the Central Committee's diabolical ways of mass annihilation, she led Biters down in the underground and rebuilt a strong resistance. Unlike what humans were made to believe, Biters could organize themselves into packs and had some thinking too - except their minds were altered by the virus that slowed rational thinking and seized up the most primitive functions.
Alice begins to believe in the Biters, but this was only after her capture and watching them work, numerous battles and run-ins with Zeus, Red Guards (China's military force) and a first-hand experience of the Central Committee's callousness; they ordered a bombing of her settlement where she lost her father. She started to realize the truth behind what was happening and recruited more people to join her cause. She was not necessarily fighting for the Biters, but against the elite few that exploited the weak and their cruel actions pre-Rising. She rallied people in independent settlements and persuaded defectors to join her with the help of many people. Most of them were sacrificed along the way, and disheartened and hurt as she was, these people still willingly laid down their lives for her because they believed they were fighting for something bigger themselves - hope that she could rebuild a better future.
In the final decisive battle in one of the Red Guard commander's headquarters, Alice was trapped in a cell of 6 Biters who had been imprisoned and used as experiments by the Red Guards. She fights them off successfully and Protima stumbles in on her, injured. Alice rushes to Protima's side and asks her if she is okay. Protima is relieved to see her but before they can say anything more, Alice is bitten on the leg and she instinctively shoots the Biter in the head, but it is too late. With one bite, Alice would be transformed. Protima catches sight of the last vial of vaccine she had entrusted in Alice's care a long time ago. She administers it on Alice, frantically saying, Alice, you cannot die and you cannot be just another Biter. You need to live. You need to fulfill the prophecy.
And indeed Alice fulfilled the prophecy, for as soon as Protima gave Alice the vaccine she was shot at the back of her head by one of the Red Guard commander and dies, but Alice rises and kills the commander single-handedly. Alice becomes the new Queen and leads both Biters and enlightened humans in the resistance. She renames Deadland Wonderland.
Alice, Queen of Wonderland.
"Alice, every prophecy is a dream, but if we believe in something we can make it happen."
``larcenciel
Music: Bad Romance - Halestorm
Mood: Satisfied
1:13 AM
Friday, January 13, 2012
Such A Lack of Diplomacy You Can't Get Out
I read these stories on self-injury not because I want to mindlessly immerse myself in my old habits, but the characters - no matter how insanely damaged or problematic they are - always somehow recover in the end. These are stories of fighters and survivors. Glorious portrayals of strength in weakness and how the impossible can one day be possible. I love them... I love reading these battles that were won. It makes me happy knowing that these people have made it. But... then it just reminds me how far I am from anything short of a "real recovery"... It reminds me how unsuccessful I have been, how much pain I still crucify myself with, how much hurt I numb my mind with and how unconfident, low self-esteemed and flawed I am in so many ways.
I've discovered that the worst part of suffering from this is that I need all the help I can get, but I don't even know it, and I chronically reject it. But once I've discovered that, I realize that I can't ever, ever get help because I'm just not "sick enough". Not self-mutilated or injured or depressed or insane enough to be warranted all that attention and therapy and medication and other important, fancy psychiatric treatment and diagnosis. And this is pure torment... sliding in and out of this nauseating twilight between normal and derangement; too healthy and fine to be sick, yet too wrecked to be considered sane.
In one of the stories, the author writes that the second battle is with the mind, and that is the hardest. It is simple to solve the physical problem so that it is no longer an eyesore, and more often than not it is made easier because of external pressure, where superficial people around you will stop saying things like "why are you doing this to yourself" and "stop doing this, be normal, get well" and they will think you are okay and well and perfect as soon as you stop the surface symptoms - as long as you've gained some weight, no more scars, stopped crying and breaking down as much, started smiling and laughing more and so on. But just as beauty is only skin deep, ugliness is also only skin deep. Hidden deep, deep down in the dark recesses of the battered mind and flailing self-worth.
I look at myself now and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk about it, and I don't want to. I am ashamed; and that's probably why I am even troubled with such a dysfunctional psych to begin with. But after the self-injury comes the delicate, period of self-compassion, because even if the inner scars can't ever heal, I can still nurse my physical self back, eventually.
``larcenciel
Music: Lasso - Phoenix
Mood: Disconsolate
1:51 AM
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Only You Can
You don't seem to understand. I hold it out toward you.
"You're giving this to me?"
I keep my eyes on the stain on the carpet and nod.
"Can you tell me why?"
I roll my feet onto the sides of my sneakers. "So I don't... you know..." I know I have to say more. "So I don't use it." I look up from the carpet to check your reaction.
"I'm glad," you say finally. "I'm happy that you don't want to use this to hurt yourself. I'll keep it here until you're ready to decide what you want to do with it"
I don't understand. "I get it back?" I look over at the small, dull square of metal sitting on the edge of your desk, so close I could just reach out and slip it back in my pocket.
"Callie." Your voice is a little sad. "There are all kinds of things in the world you could use to hurt yourself. All kinds of things you could turn into weapons. Even if you wanted to give them all to me, it wouldn't be possible. You know that, don't you?"
"I can't keep you safe," you say. "Only you can."
- Cut, P. McCormick
And that's the hardest part...
``larcenciel
Music: Killing Loneliness - H.I.M
Mood: Restless
4:36 PM
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Breaking In
Today I had my first car accident. I slowed at a turn into a main road, and came to a halt as I saw a yellow cab approaching in the distance. As usual, I waited for the oncoming car to pass me by before releasing my brake and moving forward, but as soon as I released my brake to turn out - I heard an incredibly deafening bang from behind, and I remember sucking in my breath deep as I felt my head whip back slightly and collide with the rigidness of the headrest behind, which created a momentum that pushed my head forward until the limits of where my neck could bring it, and then backwards again.
My instinct was to yell, cry, shout and be scared, shaken and traumatized; but I jammed the brakes instead and immediately put the hazard light on when I judged that the impact had stopped.
My sister and mom were yelling non-stop about their necks. My father immediately got out of the car and checked the damage. Then he told me to move the car forward so that we don't block traffic. I tried to do this as calm as possible; de-hazard light the car, signal right, release handbrake, gear to D, slowly press petrol and turn out safely and stop to the side, turn on hazard light, gear to P, pull handbrake, switch off the engine and take a deep breath.
I was completely silent and frozen. My mom and sister hadn't stopped yelling. All I wanted to do was to silence them. I wanted to do something, after all I was the driver. But my father handled it all. He spoke to her, he gave us instructions to take photos and take down contact numbers and he checked for any sign of damage. He was so cool and collected. I just silently stood next to him and my sister had already calmed down, while my mom continued her fiasco.
It is strange that I say this - but I am glad that my first accident happened. At least it happened in the presence of my parents, or more specifically, my father. He showed me how to handle such a situation and even though once bitten, twice shy; what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger - provided of course, it doesn't kill me later.
``larcenciel
Music: Misery Business - Paramore
Mood: Uneasy
10:21 PM
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Old Year, New Year
2011 has come to a close, and I have lived yet another year on this planet. It's sad and unfortunate on numerous levels, cruel on others - 23 years in my life and I am still nowhere near my ideal shell of a person; to be kinder, smarter, more capable, more outspoken, volunteer more, be a vegetarian, be fitter, write more, work harder and so on... But resolutions are just meant to be snowballed into the next year I guess. What is a "new year" really? Just another arbitrary, baseless societal norm that people conjure to make their lives a little less barren, to "restart their minds and engines", to have something to celebrate - no matter how absurdly useless or unfounded these celebrations are - their continual existence.
And on other levels 2011 has been a year of many milestones. I went for my first yoga lesson in May and have never regretted it. It has made me so much more in touch with my body, mind and spirit - not in a religious way, no, as many Christians might accuse - but in a natural way. It calms me, but not in the self-harming way self-mutilation does. It conquers me, but not in the way vulnerability and its after-shocks used to leave me.
I graduated from University after 4 and a half treacherous, exhilarating, intellectually-satisfying and busy busy busy years of college. I am now officially unemployed. I received my first (no doubt, also last) A+ in my Uni career and I am more than happy with it.
I took the first step in political activism in May when I decided to help during the elections, and subsequently I decided I wanted to do this on a longer term basis by joining the grassroots committee. It has been such a meaningful journey, and I have met so many more like-minded and insanely successful and kind-hearted and big-hearted people. They are all amazing.
I made significant new lifestyle choices. I revived my reading hobby, and invested in a Kindle in a bid to conserve the trees by not buying so many books. I actively choose substantially more vegetarian fare than meaty ones, and I try to talk about being an ethical eater as much as possible to friends and family. The ethics of eating is a highly complex and sensitive one, but it needs to be talked about. We cannot continue to hide behind an artificial veil of ignorance of the repercussions of our inhumane cuisines.
And last but not least, I made the most unimaginable, unthinkable and almost unfathomable decision to end a 5 year relationship with a beautiful, smart, kind and wonderful woman of my dreams. People say it takes two hands to clap, but why would something so heartbreaking entail any sort of applause? I let down my most important and treasured relationship, I failed her as much as I failed us because I lost my way halfway and stopped fighting, and somehow opened my heart to someone else. Love is crucifying, but in its crucifix is also its crown. I found the crucifix... and then the crown found its way to me.
``larcenciel
Music: Just A Dream - Christina Grimmie & Sam Tsui cover
Mood: Pensive
11:50 AM