The past few months I have been digging deep - my work inwards has only just begun. I've always known I had insecurity issues, that I had problems coming to terms with my sense of self-worth, self-love and self-actualization. For a long time, I always had a strong desire to speak up for causes, people, things that could not speak up for themselves. I felt a huge sense of indignation and anger which manifested to so-called action for causes - be it LGBT, animal welfare, vegetarianism, politics so on and so forth - I found myself constantly searching and searching for causes to fight for. As if my life depended on finding someone or something to save. Sounds very grand and noble, but I soon found myself questioning my motivations behind this behavior. WHY? WHY do I need to keep fighting for a cause? WHAT am I trying to prove? WHO am I trying to impress?
And thus, I found this concept called the Messiah Complex which confirmed what I already knew deep down. The Messiah Complex - a state of mind in which an individual holds a belief that he or she is destined to become a savior. This individual constantly suffers from grandiose delusions, and could also be suffering from schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.
But this was not completely right either, suffice to say, I am not schizophrenic or bipolar (or at least, not very) and so I dug deeper. Why do I have this mentality? What does it mean? What do I want to achieve?
And the simple answer came to me one day as I was getting ready to meditate. My mantra has been "I am good enough," for a while now, and suddenly it clicked.
Because I am not good enough, so I need to keep doing more good, even more good for others to become good enough, so I can convince myself that I am worthy enough to live in this world.
And realizing this was just so pitiful.
I have always believed that to sacrifice myself for a greater good, a greater cause was always enviable, admirable and the ideal thing to do. Perhaps it measured the worth of my life. I want to sacrifice everything, even my life itself for a cause. I have to keep fighting, keep fighting for what is so-called right because then maybe, just maybe, I would feel like I am good enough to be in this world. Good enough to walk amongst others. Good enough to be me. Good enough to continue living.
Friends and acquaintances always seem amazed to hear what I do, but what if they knew the real reasons for all of this apparent courage and selflessness?
Working inwards is difficult but necessary. These answers don't come easy and they aren't easy either. Sometimes, I do still wish I could give this life up. I wish I could simply fight for something, and die defending it. Then I wouldn't always be stuck with self-deprecating thoughts and such profound sadness. But everyday I just have to tell myself, work out as much as I work in, that I am good enough. I am good enough.
I. Am. Good. Enough.
And I am enough.
``larcenciel
10:49 AM
Somebody Please Help Me Get Over You
What should I do
Maybe I'll move away
Start somewhere new
I'll let you have LA
I took so much time to reset my life
But in just one look I'm back
Forget that I could have anyone I like
But now all I remember is what we had
Nobody compares to you,
Somebody please help me get over you.
Cos it feels like I've been wasting my time
In all the wrong places, with all the wrong faces
Nobody compares to you.
Nobody compares to you.
``larcenciel
Music: Nobody Compares To You - Gryffin Mood: Broody