Thursday, March 29, 2012
In Summary
Life is so hard...
With or without you.
``larcenciel
Music: Without You - David Guetta feat Usher
Mood: Sad
1:11 AM
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Hard Foods
It's nearly 5am, and I need to wake up earlier to get some writing done but I was too carried away watching all the going vegan videos. And I just want to pen this down. The first video was a speech by an animal scientist in US, he gave a talk to Vegetarian Society of Hawaii and spoke on latest breakthrough discoveries on animal behavior and sentience, then he talked about the ethics (or rather, non-ethics) of our vicious treatment of animals, and then why we should all go for a plant-based diet. It's essentially preaching to the choir right - audience are people from Veggie society. But it does equip us with more scientific knowledge when we want to educate people about the importance of going vegetarian and eventually vegan.
The second video was a link to Ellen Degeneres talking about why she became vegan and how - and it was an incredible experience listening to her because everything she said was her motivation, was somehow my motivation too; she quoted Earthlings, animal welfare and the unsettling idea of consuming something with all the fear and pain in them.
The life-changing awakening happened after I watched Earthlings three to four years ago, and I cut off red meat. Mind you, I'm a huge fan of beef hor fun and lamb and burgers. Then I switched to a meatless Monday. After a year or so, I stopped white meat, but continued eating seafood. I stayed there for a while - and most recently a month plus ago, I became fully vegetarian. I will work towards being vegan. It seems hard now - no more eggs and cheese and milk?? And you might wonder, that's not being cruel to the animals! But when I think about the horrible conditions of factory farming, how the chickens and cows are subjected to hellish circumstances and given all sorts of unnatural and inhumane treatment so that they might lay more eggs per hour and produce more milk (in other words, increase "productivity"), I feel like there really is some strong motivation for me to work towards that goal. Above all else, yoga helps aplenty. I realize that I simply cannot go through a good yoga session if I had consumed meat. There is just too much fear, sadness and pain in meat... and all these energy, I feel them.
Like what Ellen said, It's hard to live your life like that and watch people around you still do it, you just got to hope that one day shift will happen.
Yeah, maybe one day people will be more sensitive to vegetarians/vegans, just like how we're so ridiculously "sensitive" and "magnanimous" to religions.
``larcenciel
Music: None
Mood: Sad
4:43 AM
Friday, March 16, 2012
Dreams In Colour... and Then Some
Seriously, how did I ever think that I could actually do this???
Sigh... Sigh sigh sigh...
``larcenciel
Music: Stronger - Kelly Clarkson
Mood: Frustrated
2:54 AM
Monday, March 12, 2012
In the Meantime, We'll Wait and See
This has to be one of the lowest points in my life... The point where I am thrust into some sort of weird limbo, trying my best to box my ideals and abilities (or lack thereof) into some sort of classified job ad to achieve something along the an acceptable returns scale range. Incredible, I haven't been rejected so many times before - be it silent rejections or "regretful emails". I guess it's time to burst my self-absorbed bubble... Maybe academic qualifications really ARE that important after all, and no matter how many passions, outside curriculum volunteer shit you pursue and activities you immerse yourself in, if it doesn't pay then what's the point?
Wow, that sounds sad... Nah. Maybe I am just not good enough after all. In the meantime, I need to keep convincing myself I am not THAT lousy, I just haven't found an employer who's smart enough to know how much I'm worth yet, and just keep trying.
Umm, yeah. Something like that.
``larcenciel
Music: In the Meantime - Spacehog
Mood: Dejected
4:42 PM
Friday, March 09, 2012
For My Blood
Today I was donating blood. I usually use my left hand cos the numbing is just too much for my right hand. But the very position of donating blood- you sit there as helpless as a little lamb, you have no control over what's happening next, and you lie there with your arm outstretched and upturned, exposing skin and wrist and palm and everything else that's there. It's a submissive situation, but it is as empowering as it is shattering. For when I sit in that chair watching the bright crimson flow almost defiantly into the bag that sloshes in rhythmic waves, I know in that moment, I give as much - if not more than - what I constantly take from myself.
Even if I hate everything about myself and who I am, someone out there is thankful for a part of me.
The nurse gently caressed my scars and said in the gentlest, most un-judging manner I have ever heard, "This happens to a lot of people. I understand."
And for the first time in my pitiful life, I actually believed that someone understood.
''larcenciel
Music: None
Mood: Humbled
5:21 PM
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
These Bullets Are Painless
They're perfect, until one of you fails. Then it becomes tragic.
``larcenciel
Music: Operation Gabrielle - Barricade
Mood: Bloated
2:45 PM
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Depression Twilight
Jesse looked at her left wrist again and brought it next to her right wrist. Now they were side-by-side; clean on the right, scarred on the left. It was apt. Her right hand did all the rational work whilst her left laid privy to her feelings. No one could ever tell the carnage rising and falling deep within her, tearing her from the inside.
Clean, scarred. Clean, scarred. Clean, scarred. Clean… scarred… And then the scars and skin began to smudge again into one, just like her, drifting in and out of sanity and insanity – too normal to be labelled sick, but too wrecked to be okay. Jesse needed help, but what kind of help could she get when she was trapped in such painstaking twilight? And she didn’t even know if it was a prelude to day or an epilogue to night.
``larcenciel
Music: My Heart is Broken - Evanescence
Mood: Writer's block
1:26 AM